Omnia mea mecum porto

We never leave anything behind. What we have we carry with us: past memories, feelings, dreams. They are just kept in some far corners of our souls or in a suitcase without handles - a burden that we are doomed to bare throughout the life. We are actually haunted by the phanthoms of the past: wherever you go, whatever you do... You have a walk in the evening and occasionally drop in a district of your childhood, come across a long-forgotten postcard that used to be precious a couple of years ago, hear an "omg-that-very-song" on the radio or, as for me the strongest one, catch the scent of so familiar perfumes that evoke feeling from the deepest depth of your heart. And here you are facing the shades of the past, trying to withstand this enormous tide of sensations crashing onto you. You can't stop it: there's no pause button or fire escape, you can't get away, running is useless - you are trapped looking straight into the eyes of a huge uncontrollable creature called "MEMORIES". I'm not saying it's bad or harmful. It's just a part and parcel of our life and I find it stupid to deny that we still remember, still feel certain things, even if not so vividly anymore. We may find a new job, make new friends, get married, have children - "move further" as they love to say, but it has nothing to do with our previous occupations, girls and boys we used to like, loves we used to have - in one word, with THE PAST which will always be there, waiting for a right moment to remind you of its presence. And, by the way, in contrast to people, memories will indeed "stay with you forever until the death separates us".

Восьмой день третьего месяца 2014 года проходит под знаком ЖЕНЩИН! Восьмерка - знак бесконечности. Бесконечность - в женщинах.

Я вот что думаю...Хорошо,должно быть, живется дуракам! Ни душевных переживаний тебе, ни терзаний. Жизнь - проще пареной репы. Не пытаешься читать между строк, да что уж там, в принципе не особенно вдумчиво читаешь (если читаешь вообще); на критику окружающих не реагируешь - просто не понимаешь, что они там съязвили; любишь без сомнений, веришь без подозрений, улыбаешься каждый Божий день, еще и других радуешь. В политике не разбираешься, а значит, и не расстраиваешься (особенно в свете последних событий), шекспировские аллюзии ты в гробу видал, как и все его сонеты, сказки, драмы и Бог еще знает, что он там сочинял. "Мастер и Маргарита" для тебя - не величайшая книга всех времен и народов, а "клевый мистический сериал про черного кота и этого...как его...ах да, Воланда". СПЛИН просто поет "грустные песенки" и совершенно не открывает глаза на пустоту и бессмысленность нашей никчемной жизни. Да разве она никчемная?! Ничего подобного! Каждый день такой насыщенный: проснулась - пожелала всем доброго утра на инстаграме,закинула пару фоток с отчетом о завтраке и своем наряде и смело отправилась покорять мир! 2 пары философии в университете? Ну ладно, как раз будет время посидеть Вконтакте и послушать музыку. Еще и погода такая прекрасная - ну точно жизнь удалась! И хрен с ними с Кантом и Юнгом, вот Сережка Минаев - другое дело, вот он-то пишет "за жизнь"! Кому нужна философия, когда целью существования становятся фоотчеты для социальных сетей и "лакшери лайф"?! Философия закончилась, наконец-то можно заняться делом! Порадовать себя новой шмоткой, сходить в солярий, на маникюр, педикюр. А вечером ай-да на поиски приключений в модный барчик. ВОТ ОНА ЖИЗНЬ! Прекрасная, между прочим. А завтра начнем сначала, и каждый следующий день будет не менее замечательным, чем предыдущий. И нет места глупым рассуждениям о том, что ты провел очередной день, так ничего и не добившись, что тебе уже двадцать, а ты никто. Ты не тратишь свое драгоценное время на поиски себя, своего призвания. Да и что это вообще такое: "призвание"? К черту его, лишь бы зарплата была побольше! Это я все к чему...Счастливы только дураки - только дураки и счастливы. Чувствуете разницу?

Если ты знаешь чьи-то секреты - молчи.(с)

"When in doubt, love" they say. But how to know that you DO love? How to differentiate between love/passion/respect/friendship/lust?Are there any borders? Love is like a river that overflows the banks and floods everything on its way. And what does a person do? He submerges in it, yeilds to its force whatever his life conditions are. But how to know that you won't drown? that you'll stay on surface able to breathe properly? Why are we taught at schools that "London is a capital of Great Britain" but nobody ever tells us how to act when you fall in love? Isn't it much more important to learn? Why don't they show diagrams and give lectures on what to do when your world is breaking into pieces and you heart is torn? WHY?! So many questions but not an answer. Dear God or whoever you are, pulling the strings of our souls like those of a puppet, be benevolent to the lost ones in the maze of their feelings. Give them a sign, relieve from this burden, light a fire of hope for them not to go astray. I'm not asking for myself, but for somebody very special and looking for support. Our prayers are that stronger when we share grief and sorrow with those we love. I am with you, I am for you, I pray for you.

 A couple of nights ago when I was planning to go to bed earlier but as usual ended up reading/studing/eating/chatting until 2:30 am, a very unexpected thought sprang to my mind: MUSIC IS A PROTEST... at least FOR ME. I am not much of a rebellion type: high performance at school and university, the monitor of my group, seniour sister, exemplary daughter...the list can be continued. Frankly speaking, I'm absolutely OK with this. Her Majesty Faith has always been kind and benevolent to me, so I have a bunch of lovely friends and a gorgeous family...But at times I feel like all my bieng is caught up in flames of disobedience, a rebellion pulls the strings in me and I'm overwhelmed with the desire to break the limits and go against all possible stereotypes and rules. And this is where the music helps. I simply express my disagreement, show off my "I-don't-give-a-f**k-to-your-opinion" by listening some alternative styles of music. Names of what groups have just come to your mind? If PLACEBO, RHCP and MUSE, then we definitely have something in common... If not, then I sincerely sympathise that you have missed out on ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY amazing stuff. An incredible high-pitched nasal voice of Brian Molko has a power to awaken undescibable sensations. I just close my eyes and i'm carried away by a stream of sounds that seem to come right out of his heart and fill ours, spreading through the veins and reaching every remote place of my body and soul. "My sweet prince..." And the lyrics...it's stunning! Almost in each song we can here an apeal, a heart-rendering call for help, a prayer to unchain our hearts and succumb to the flow of feelings. "We can build a new tomorrow...today!" Every time a think of this, it gives me shivers...an amazing feeling, isn't it? But the coolest thing about PLACEBO, is the way they look. Something orbitrary opposing to what I actually look like. Black long hair, eyes lined with black eye-shadows, dark shabby manicure and tattoos, tattoos, tattoos all over the body! THAT'S QUITE A PROTEST. By the way, tats - another rebelloin-like thing I will (probably) never dare to have. What is it in their appearance that apeals me that much? Actually its being appalling. And all that gay-homosexual-bisexual-thing...only makes Brian more complicated and at the same time more attractive.

 As for Anthony Kiedis, his voice immediately takes me back to America in 40s-50s with Jack Kerouac's heroes on a highway, free and desperate, looking for freedom and justice, which they are never to find. Or they have never lost them and the freedom lives in them,as well as in all of us, in our souls from the very birth and stays until the last breath? That's a question whose answer is to be found personally by each of us. Even now I can hear a regular rythm of wheels, the smell of cheap tobacco and I can see the golden medal of setting sun hiding its beams in the horrizon. The world that I will never see in flash but can experience every time I switch on "Californication". 

 Muse. If God were to give names to music bands, he would definitely choose this one. M-U-S-E. Its gentle tunes growing into a vigorous whirl of sounds, making your body dance and your soul scream, are one of the most inspiring things I've ever heard in my life. Their music is penetrated with love and light, they give hope and take away all you doubts, you feel strong and able to conquer the world. If we played the game "associations", I'd say "spring", "blossom", "freshness" - words insaparable from the imagery that "MUSE" creats in my mind. That must be quite unusual as this group is mostly referred to as being energetic and extravagant. 

 Well, I guess this is where my confession has to be stopped, though I have plenty more to share. I don't know who I am addressing to, but if you are reading this, just take care.

So, let's see what we have here...it's only 2 a.m. and there are 6 hours left for me to get some sleep. I wonder what thoughts are waiting for me tonight...?